


The One Where Jensen's Off In L.A. (And The Fake Tree's Virtue Is Seriously Brought Into Question)

by waterofthemoon



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Crack, Drugs, Established Relationship, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-16
Updated: 2007-03-16
Packaged: 2017-10-09 01:21:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/81460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterofthemoon/pseuds/waterofthemoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy's asking dogs to marry him, Jensen's in L.A., and the only way Jared knows to stop Mike from causing any more damage is to have Story Time, which is basically Jared telling him all about his and Jensen's sex life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One Where Jensen's Off In L.A. (And The Fake Tree's Virtue Is Seriously Brought Into Question)

**Author's Note:**

> Cowritten with [**unperfectwolf**](http://unperfectwolf.livejournal.com/profile), who lacks an AO3 account!
> 
> Crack? We're sorry? Hi?  
> Kwen Says: Hi, sorry. We have a convo that this came from, but it's not much better. Also, no ducks OR fake trees were hurt in the making of this fic. We hope.  
> Sara says: I don't even know, you guys. *hands* Poor Tom, is all I have to say. Um, and tiny spoiler for the latest episode of Smallville? Sorry, that was me. Kwen wasn't even watching it.

Jared didn't exactly know how things had gotten so out of control. Tom was in the corner talking to Harley, and Jared was pretty sure he had just asked the dog to marry him. It wasn't that he had anything against Tommy, but he wasn't exactly what he'd want for Harley's mate. And Tom was married already, so technically, he probably shouldn't have been asking anyone to marry him, dog or not.

Jared watched, amused, as Tom pouted and turned to him. "He turned me down," he explained, his eyes wide. "Jared, tell Harley I make an awesome husband."

"I wouldn't know," Jared said dryly. "What did Mike give you, anyway?"

The culprit in question was in the kitchen, rifling for god only knew what out of the fridge. "Nothing! I gave him nothing!"

"Yeah," Jared snorted. "Sure. Cause he normally asks dogs to marry him."

Mike came back into the room looking thoughtful. Tom was still sitting on the floor, pouting, but Harley had slunk off to hide in the bedroom with Sadie. "Well, actually...."

Jared stared at him. "So you're telling me he does this on a regular basis."

Mike snorted. "It was even documented in the episode we shot the other week. One of the writers caught him declaring his undying devotion to the Kent family dog and thought it would be funny if Clark... you know what, forget it."

"Oh, no. I gotta hear this." Jared's grin turned evil. "So is this a kink thing, or...."

Tom spit out his beer. "What? God, no, that's sick. Jesus, Jared."

"Says the guy who just tried to make an honest man out of my _dog_," Jared said. "No wonder they hide when y'all come over."

"You know, I always thought that was because of me," Mike said, and there was that contemplative look again, the one that secretly made Jared want to head for the hills. "Huh."

Jared fought the urge to close his eyes and groan, because he was pretty sure Sadie was still afraid of Mike from the second time she met him. He glanced over at Tom, who was drinking beer in gulps and staring at the table leg like it was talking to him—and for all Jared knew, he was getting ready to declare his undying love to it—and then back at Mike, who was watching Tommy with a slightly maniacal glint in his eyes.

"What. Did. You. Give him?" he asked again, standing up so that he towered over Mike.

Mike only grinned up at him. "That's for me to know and you to watch the results of, Padalecki!"

Jared blew his bangs out of his face in frustration. "C'mon, Mike."

"Dude." Mike turned to Tom, grin full of glee, then looked back at Jared. "I don't cower in fear, so stop doing the giant thing."

Jared stared him down for a long moment before flinging himself back onto his couch. Where the hell was Jensen when he needed him?

"Where the hell is Jensen, anyway?" Tom asked, echoing Jared's thoughts. He suddenly focused all his attention on Jared. "I miss him."

Jared looked at him, trying to remember if Tom's pupils had always been that dilated. "In L.A.? He had a talk show, and I think he was going to see a friend while he was down... wait a minute, _you_ miss Jensen? Yeah, I'm totally sympathetic, dude, really."

"Aw, don't worry, Jare Bear," Mike chuckled from the floor. "I won't let Tommy here steal your boy."

"Like he could," Jared said dismissively, ignoring Tom's cries of manly protest. "And what did I say about calling me that?" He leapt off the couch and tackled Mike to the ground.

Mike landed with a thud, Jared sitting on his stomach. Tom was giggling at them, muttering something, and Jared really did have to worry some. This wasn't exactly the first time Tom had ended up so incapacitated, and he wasn't quite sure why so many repeat performances hadn't taught him to not take stuff from Mike.

Guy was damn loyal, Jared would give him that.

When Mike started flailing for air, Jared stood up and got out of Mike's range fast before he got to experience Mike's talent for making people fall into things with a well-aimed kick. Jared ignored him, though, when Tom started heading towards the fake tree in the corner. He knew what Tom and the tree could get up to together, and he had been hoping that Jensen had convinced Mike not to get Tom like this anymore because of it.

"Tom! Dude, why don't you go see if you can find the duck?" Jared suggested, knowing that Harley left it on the kitchen floor earlier that day. Harley loved the squeaky toy almost as much as Tom did. Jared could envision them living together, happily married with a house full of squeaky ducks. Blinking that more than disturbing thought away, Jared wondered if he'd gotten some of Mike's drugs as well.

Good god, why wasn't Jensen home yet?

Tom happily agreed and stumbled into the kitchen. "Here, ducky duck," he called, and Jared shook his head and looked at Mike.

"Seriously, man, you gotta make him stop," he pleaded. "He's gonna hurt himself. Remember last time?"

"Ah, good times," Mike said, leaning back, and Jared could swear he sounded almost smug.

Tom wandered back in, murmuring to the duck and cackling every time he made it squeak, and Jared turned back to Mike, a desperate look on his face. "Come on, man. Just... bring him down or something. I'll do anything."

"Anything?" Mike asked, more glee on his face than Jared had probably ever seen before, except maybe that one time he convinced two girls to... yeah, never mind. Mike was pretty damn gleeful now, though, and Jared was cringing at what this was going to take.

One look at Tom, though, who had reclaimed his beer and was now curled up by the fake tree—man, the poor tree, Jared thought—and talking to the duck in a low voice convinced him he needed to do something, so he nodded.

"Anything."

"All right, Padalecki," Mike said. He was calculating, considering, and Jared was already regretting this. "I stop Tommy boy from looking like a candidate for commitment—and I don't mean the kind with rings and cake—and you...." He paused, and the grin on his face turned even more evil, if such a thing were possible. "You can tell me what Jensen's like in bed."

"Dude, no way!" Jared protested. "You'll probably post it on the internet or something."

Mike raised his hands. "Hey, fine. I guess Tom's going to make it with your tree again. Maybe they'll let the duck play this time."

Jared shuddered at the image. "Why're you so curious, anyway?"

"Knowledge is power," Mike said, shrugging. "Why are you avoiding the question? He's small, isn't he? I _knew_ it!"

Lifting an eyebrow, Jared just looked at him. "Dude. You're kidding, right?"

Mike looked over at him expectantly. "So he's not?"

Tom chose that moment to make tracks toward the tree again, and it was all Jared could do to keep himself from just going in the bedroom to hide with the dogs. He'd feel bad for the tree, but it _was_ fake, and they only cost twenty dollars at Wal-Mart, so he could find another one.

Mike looked between Jared and Tom. "Well? Story time?"

Jared groaned and then nodded, cringing. "Fine! Okay, fine. Just...."

Jared watched in awe as Mike called Tom over to him and whispered something to him. Tom nodded enthusiastically and headed towards the bathroom. Jared shuddered, but he figured that whatever happened in there was at least not happening with his dog or his fake tree.

When Tom was out of sight, Jared turns back to Mike, who was watching him intently. Jared sighed. Then, with a wicked thought, he opened his mouth. "Well, for starters, Jensen's not small _at all_."

Mike blinked at him, like maybe he hadn't been expecting Jared to say anything. Jared grinned, dirty and full of dark promise. "There was this one time, in Impala three—the one that doesn't run? And god, Jen's _mouth_—"

Mike made a sound in the back of his throat.

Jared leaned in conspiratorially. "He had me in the backseat, and there wasn't really room, right? So he was basically on top of me, and his tongue was everywhere, and I do mean _everywhere_." He sighed, lost in the memory. "It was so hot. I remember I came so hard when he slipped in me... god, Mike, you don't even _know_. I thought they were gonna kill us."

"Uh." Mike shifted uncomfortably and crossed his legs. "I think I'm starting to get the idea, thanks."

"Aw, does that mean you don't want to hear any more?" Jared pouted, sitting back on the couch. "Because I have a ton of stories. There was this time last week, and Jen, oh god, he let me—"

"Ahem." Jared turned around at the noise and froze when he saw Jensen in the doorway, looking tired and dragging a small suitcase. "What is this, truth or dare? Jay, quit telling him things, you know he's just gonna post it all on the internet later."

Before Jensen could even finish, Jared had crossed the room and wrapped his arms around him. "Hi, baby," he crooned, sticking his tongue in Jensen's ear. "I missed you?"

"Get off me," Jensen grumbled. He couldn't stop a small smile from forming, though, and he leaned up to drop a chaste kiss on Jared's lips. "Seriously, Jared, what's going on here? And where's Tommy? He better not have screwed our fake tree again. You _know_ how much I hate going to Wal-Mart."

Jared shrugged as he pulled back. "Dunno. Thankfully, things didn't go that far with the tree, but it was close. We might need to get Harley therapy, though," he told him thoughtfully.

Mike laughed. "Yeah, that and a new duck." Jensen raised an eyebrow. "But really, Jensen, my man. What's this I hear about you and the motel set beds?"

"Oh, Jesus," Jensen muttered. "That was one time!" He looked at Jared for support, but Jared laughed and backed off.

"Hey, I didn't tell him anything about that," he said, flashing his dimples. "What happens on Supernatural stays on Supernatural, right?"

Mike leaned in eagerly. "But now that you've confirmed it—"

Jensen groaned and flopped into the nearest chair. "Go. Just go," he said, flipping Mike off. "Make sure you take Tom with you. We really freaked him out the last time."

"Yeah, I know." Mike leered at them. "He didn't stop making comments about that for a week. I mean, come on, guys. The kitchen table? You let us _eat there_."

Jared only laughed, and Jensen shrugged, shifting so that he was turned somewhat sideways in the chair.

"Okay, okay," Mike muttered, moving towards the guest bath. "But I was serious about that duck. A new one, for sure."

When Mike and Tom were finally gone, Jensen sprawled out in the chair and tugged on Jared's hand until Jared fell gracelessly in his lap with an "oof" out of both of them.

"What've you been telling our friends, huh, you big stud?" Jensen murmured, stroking a hand along Jared's thigh. He let his eyes slip shut and added sleepily, "Better have been all about how awesome I am to you, and how much I have to put up with, and—"

"Nah." Jared shook his head and smirked. "I wouldn't do that to you. I told him about how awesome _I_ am, though."

Jensen's eyes popped open. "You little shit." He made a grab for Jared, intending to tackle him, but Jared was already running off toward the bedroom, giggling like a fool. Jensen sighed, long-suffering, and followed.

The next morning, when Jensen turned to look at the clock, Harley was sitting there, waiting for one of them to get up, duck in his mouth. Jensen just rolled over and poked Jared.


End file.
